From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Those of you who read C&J—including our faithful oral historians who commit each column to memory and pass them down to future generations around the campfire—know that I compile the definitive year-in-review extravaganzas. No one else comes close, according to many sources.
But, like last year, I’m throwing this year out the window. No way am I gonna slog through 2019 again. In the immortal words of our 41st president: Nah Gah Daht.
Don’t get me wrong. We had some great moments. The resistance rose up again and dealt a blow to Republicans in the off-year elections. Virginia, former capital of the confederacy, became a blue state after Trump campaigned tirelessly to keep the legislative branch red. Kentucky's Republican governor got booted after Trump campaigned tirelessly to get him reelected. Louisiana's Democratic governor won reelection after Trump campaigned tirelessly for his opponent. (I'm sensing a pattern here.) The judicial branch remained a source of aggravation for the Trump crime syndicate.
Oh, and this little historical footnote: we impeached the motherf***er.
But I’m not going to subject myself to an encore inhalation of the fetid swamp stench that befouled the country for a third straight year. More important, I’m not going to subject you to it again.
Instead we're taking another lap around the Obama track, if for no other reason than to remind ourselves why Democratic presidents wipe the floor with the Republican variety. I’ve gone through eight years of C&Js circa 2009-2017, plucked a golden nugget from each month, and nestled 'em around the best of the late-nighters' snark and Pete Souza’s amazing photos. Today we revisit his Januarys through Junes—a reminder of what it was like when we had an adult in charge.
Cheers and Jeers hits the turbo-wayback button below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Scheduling Note: C&J will post tomorrow morning as usual before heading out to endure scorn and ridicule for wearing a tan suit without a flag pin on New Year's Eve. No C&J Wednesday as we spend the day in the basement sobbing over humanity's cruelty. But we'll return Thursday morning both bright-eyed and bushy-tail, thanks to my success in finally drinking the right serum that turns me into a human-squirrel hybrid. If you won’t be here tomorrow, we pre-wish you a safe and happy New Year's holiday.
—Manager, C&J Party Hats Division
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I’d bet good money he’s team leader...
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C&J Obama Years Flashback: JANUARY
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2009: During his first 100 hours in office, President Obama puts in motion an end to the Iraq War, re-legitimizes contraception to reduce unwanted pregnancies and the spread of disease, strikes fear in the hearts in our enemies and euphoria in the hearts of our allies, takes science off the Bush terror watch list, restricts the reach of lobbyists, and gives the nation a new sense of hope, mission and identity. After Obama takes the oath, now-"former" president Bush boards a helicopter and flies back to the only state where he feels welcome: denial.
2010: President Obama delivers his first State of the Union address. The highlights: Troops to go bye-bye from Iraq. The Supreme Court's on my shit list because of their Citizens United decision. I'm killing lotsa terrorists. Health care reform’s a’ comin’. Exports, bitches! Repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell! In his post-address review, Chris Matthews says: "Y'know, I forgot he was black for an hour." And I forgot Chris Matthews was a tool for an hour and five seconds.
2011: President Obama's State of the Union speech is more muted than usual. Among other things, he calls for a major effort to export more stuff. Everyone agrees we should start with Glenn Beck.
2012: President Obama recess-appoints Richard Cordray as the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, and also recess-appoints the National Labor Relations Board back to its five-member capacity. It's a very good day for those who want government to work better on behalf of average Americans. Or as Republicans call it: a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
2013: Rep. Darrell Issa announces preliminary hearings on the impeachment of President Obama. The official charge: "Something…anything!"
2014: To mark the third anniversary of the Tucson massacre that killed half a dozen people and almost took her life, Congresswoman-turned-gun-safety-reform-advocate Gabrielle Giffords hops in a plane and goes skydiving. While normal people applaud her courage and tenacity, the NRA accuses her of trying to shove her anti-gun agenda down the throats of clouds.
January Late Night Snark
"Shortly after his inauguration, Obama spoke on the phone to the leader of the Palestinians and the leader of the Israelis. Both men started their call by asking Obama, 'Hey, what was the deal with Aretha Franklin's hat?"
—Conan O'Brien, 2009
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I can't believe you're 90 years old. In fact, I don't believe it. That's why I'm writing to ask if you will be willing to produce a copy of your long-form birth certificate. Thanks, and Happy Birthday, no matter how old you are.
—Letter from President Obama to Betty White on her 90th birthday, 2012
2015: At a senate Armed Forces Committee hearing, Senator John McCain shouts at some Code Pink protesters: "Get out of here, you lowlife scum!" Less publicized are the words he says immediately after: "No, not you, Senator Cruz. Sit down."
2016: President Obama delivers his last State of the Union address, including: “If anybody still wants to dispute the science around climate change, have at it. You’ll be pretty lonely, because you’ll be debating our military, most of America’s business leaders, the majority of the American people, almost the entire scientific community, and 200 nations around the world who agree it’s a problem and intend to solve it.” [Senator Inhofe hurls snowball at Obama. It hits Ryan instead. Biden smirks.]
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FEBRUARY
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2009: President Obama signs an expansion of the State Children's Health Insurance Program—which Bush had vetoed—into law. He also makes history by being the first black president to address a joint session of Congress, offering a sober assessment of the way things are and how to rebound (duct tape and $20 trillion in unmarked bills). The response: 67 outbursts of applause and 37 standing ovations. Also, for the first time ever during a presidential speech, the Supreme Court justices start a wave. Several injuries are reported.
2010: Three days after judging the Miss America Pageant, Rush Limbaugh is asked if it's still okay to compare women to his cat, like the time he said, "She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women than anything my whole life." Limbaugh oinks once for Yes.
2011: The new START treaty takes effect. The U.S. and Russia are now only allowed to have the capability to blow up the world 50 times each. Because, really, after the first 50, it gets pretty monotonous.
2012: A Federal appeals court rules that California's Proposition 8 violates the Constitution's Equal Protection Clause, but continues putting a hold on same-sex marriages in the state until the appeal can be appealed. Marriage-equality advocates complain that the process is moving at the speed of tortoise until they're reminded who won that particular race.
2013: 148 years after the fact, Mississippi finally files paperwork to make its ratification of the 13th Amendment official. The same day, the state unveils what soon becomes the worst-selling specialty license plate in history: "Mississippi—the Last to Ratify the Amendment Outlawing Slavery State."
2014: The FDA updates nutrition labels on food packaging: more realistic serving sizes, less emphasis on "calories from fat" and more emphasis on sugar content. To get Republicans to participate in the new initiative, junk food will be labeled, "Barack Hussein Obama Wants You To Eat This," and healthy food will be labeled, "Barack Hussein Obama Doesn’t Want You To Eat This."
February Late Night Snark
"In an interview with Al-Arabiya, an Arab-language news channel, President Obama said that he wanted to persuade Muslims that the Americans were not your enemy. In an early sign of improvement, the crowd of protesters outside tone down their usual chant to, ’Injury to America!'”
—Seth Meyers, 2009
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Clip of Sarah Palin at Freedom Summit in Iowa: So we can afford no retread or nothing will change with the same people and same policies that got us into the status quo, another Latin word, status quo, and it stands for, man, the middle-class and the Americans are really gettin' taken for a ride.
Jon Stewart: Y'know, that's the kind of talk you normally hear right before the pharmacist says, "Ma'am, you've got to leave the Walgreens."
—The Daily Show, 2015
2015: Tom Wheeler and his fellow Democrats at the FCC vote in favor of net neutrality. So now instead of offering crappy service at ridiculous rates that make them huge profits, telcos will have to adjust to offering crappy service at ridiculous rates that make them huge profits.
2016: President Obama unveils his 2017 budget, including more funding for gun violence prevention and no funding for abstinence-only education. The Republicans immediately dismiss Obama's budget as just a liberal fantasy, and say they plan to reveal their own budget just as soon as their unicorn returns from retrieving it from the top of Bullshit Mountain.
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MARCH
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2009: First Lady Michelle Obama and a gaggle of kids turn over sod on the south lawn and plant vegetables in the new White House "kitchen garden." They would've used the north lawn but they kept running into the bodies of Nixon's enemies.
2010: President Obama signs the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act into law, but not before Vice President Joe Biden tells him: “This is a big fuckin’ deal.” Later that evening Biden becomes the first veep to get his mouth washed out with soap by a veep’s spouse.
2011: President Obama returns from his trip to Latin America with a trade deal, a nuclear-cooperation agreement, a security framework, and a briefcase full of Holiday Inn mini-soaps.
2012: The American president with the funny name sits down with the Israeli president with the funny name to discuss what to do about the Iranian president with the funny name.
2013: President Obama travels to Israel and drives Republicans here crazy by being popular, serious and photogenic. He tours the Israel Museum to see the Dead Sea Scrolls. To give you an idea of how ancient they are, archaeologists say they pre-date the current Republican party platform by a week.
2014: First Lady Michelle Obama flies to China for a week to show the world yet again that when it comes to awesomeness among current spouses of world leaders, we're #1. A highlight: visiting the Terracotta Warriors Museum, whose ceramic soldiers date back to the Qin Dynasty. To give you an idea of how old that is, archaeologists say they pre-date the Republican platform by a a week.
March Late Night Snark
"In a speech Tuesday, President Obama outlined new education goals that proposed longer school days and longer school years. 'That's a brilliant idea,' said Katherine, the fifth grader nobody likes."
—Seth Meyers, 2009
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Clip of Mitt Romney: Whatever happened to Trump Airlines? How about Trump University? And then there's Trump magazine, and Trump Vodka, and Trump Steaks, and Trump Mortgage. A business genius he is not.
Stephen Colbert: True. Trump has put his name on some terrible investments. For example, four years ago he endorsed Mitt Romney for president.
—The Late Show, 2016
2015: Hillary Clinton says she wants adults to go to camps to overcome America's "deficit of fun." Conservatives go ballistic, although for different reasons. The conspiracy theorists freak out because she’s promoting "camps" and the evangelical puritans freak out because she’s promoting "fun."
2016: In one of the most historic moments of his presidency, Barack Obama officially ends hostilities with the Castro government by flying to Cuba. And, boy, are his arms tired.
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APRIL
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2009: The Obamas welcome a rambunctious new puppy. Newt Gingrich adds his magic touch to the moment, saying: "I think that this whole thing is fairly stupid." Mainly because he knows they won't be kicking it.
2010: President Obama travels to Prague to sign a nuclear arms treaty with Russia. Their primary goal: a nuke-free world. Their second, easier-to-achieve goal: to see Tinkerbell wed a unicorn in Munchkinland.
2011: President Obama releases the Holy Grail of the birther movement: his long-form birth certificate. Teabaggers immediately deem it a fake and call on him to release his even-longer-form birth certificate.
2012: Al Gore is inducted into the Internet Hall of Fame for his significant role in bringing it to the masses. No word if the Supreme Court plans to steal that from him, too.
2013: Former President Jimmy Carter appears on The Daily Show. He is given 8 minutes of airtime to build a house. After completing it, he uses his remaining 3 minutes to build a tool shed.
2014: The Congressional Budget Office say Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than projected. That means nothing to the tea party, of course, because savings don't count under Democrats.
April Late Night Snark
"There were tea party protests today. People have been mailing tea bags to members of Congress to, I guess, express their dissatisfaction with taxes and government spending. Nothing shakes a politician up like a complimentary bag of tea. Next year will be crumpets, buddy!"
---Jimmy Kimmel, 2009
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"Four women are in space. Twenty years ago that would've only been possible in a porn movie."
---Tina Fey, 2010
2015: After Loretta Lynch is confirmed as the new Attorney General, Eric Holder gives his final farewell speech, saying "I'm going to miss you. I am going to miss this building. I am going to miss this institution. More than anything, I am going to miss you all." He adds: "Especially you, Scarecrow. And my stapler. And this lamp. I love lamp." As if it needs to be said, there was an open bar.
2016: The Treasury Department announces that the front of the new $20 bill will feature a portrait of Harriet Tubman and Andrew Jackson will be sent to the back of the bill. So when the new 20s go into circulation, karma will come full circle as Jackson will forevermore be kissing a black lady's ass.
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MAY
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2009: President Obama creates an uproar when he orders a cheeseburger with "Dijon mustard." The Senate Culinary Committee hearings are brutal and he barely escapes impeachment.
2010: Obama's pick for the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan, is an enigma wrapped in a riddle clad in a sensible lime-green sport coat. The thought of having three women on the bench? Exciting! Six Catholics and three Jews? Not so exciting.
2011: In a daring nighttime raid under Obama’s supervision from the Situation Room, Seal Team 6 swoops into a compound surrounded by army bases in Pakistan to extract Osama bin Laden. Details quickly emerge about bin Laden's post-9/11 world: He didn’t need dialysis, cultivated an extensive porn stash, and dyed his beard black so the chicks would still dig him. He also had plans to sabotage America's passenger rail system, but ditched the idea because Republicans were doing a good enough job of that already.
2012: A SpaceX rocket heads to the International Space Station to drop off supplies, thus ushering in a new era of private sector outer-space derring-do. Moments later, a second rocket is sent up with the keys to the door of the first rocket.
2013: As effects of the budget-slashing “sequester” spread, the hearts, moons, stars and clovers in Lucky Charms cereal are replaced with lint balls, knuckle hairs, cigarette butts and metal shavings. The nutritional content remains the same.
2014: Private-sector job creation is stronger than expected at 288,000, but the labor force shrinks in April, coinciding with the first full month after open enrollment for Obamacare ends. The conclusion from this jobs report is obvious: the death panels are working.
May Late Night Snark
"A few weeks ago I was able to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. And I don't know if you saw it, but I threw it a little high and a little outside. This is how FOX News covered it: President panders to extreme left-wing of batter box."
—President Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner, 2010
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"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden, President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent."
—Seth Meyers, 2011
2015: Bernie Sanders bounds up to a lectern and lays out a progressive agenda as he announces his candidacy for president. For the moment, that makes two Democrats in the race versus four Republicans. Bernie and Hillary agree to each tie one brain lobe behind their back to make it a fair fight.
2016: Daily Kos turns 14. The pie fight truce in honor of the anniversary lasts approximately 30 seconds.
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JUNE
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2009: Speaking in Egypt, President Obama threads a needle and gives the Middle East a pep talk in which he promotes respect for religious diversity, women's rights, peaceful co-existence, political freedom, nuclear disarmament, and fighting terrorism. But even more impressive, he accomplishes one thing that historians consider a high point in the first year of his presidency: knocking Joe Scarborough off the TV for an entire hour.
2010: Day 1 of Elena Kagan's Senate confirmation hearings are briefly suspended when venom from Jeff Sessions' fangs burns a hole through his notes. And his desk. And his shoe. And the committee room floor. And the basement floor. And the earth's crust.
2011: President Obama nominates Martin Dempsey to replace Admiral Mike Mullen as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He's smart, handsome, loves walks on the beach and harlequin romances, and if you mess with America he'll tear your beating heart out and show it to you before he sets it on fire with his eyeball lasers. Also: he's an Autumn and enjoys scented candles.
2012: By a 5-4 decision, with John Roberts casting the deciding vote, the Supreme Court rules that the mandate in Obamacare is constitutional on taxing-authority grounds. This is a historic moment because Rush Limbaugh said in March of 2010 that "If this passes and it's five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented, I'll move to Costa Rica," a statement followed by record-setting donations to the Buy Rush A Rubber Raft Foundation.
2013: Liberal Congressman Ed Markey is elected the new junior Senator from Massachusetts, replacing State Department-bound John Kerry. With Kerry's departure, Elizabeth Warren becomes the state's senior senator, which mostly involves getting a gold braid installed on her seat cushion.
2014: Gallup releases a survey showing that Obamacare has created the lowest rate of uninsured Americans in six years. Not to be outdone, the RNC releases a survey showing that they’ve created the highest rate of uninformed Republicans in six decades.
June Late Night Snark
"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99 percent white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' Sonia Sotomayor is a racist and someone has to stop her because for too long white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women!"
—Bill Maher, 2009
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"A new report says if Republicans want to win over young voters they need to get up to date with technology. Well, the GOP is listening, because today they told young people everywhere to 'Be prepared to receive a very exciting fax from us.'"
—Conan O'Brien, 2013
2015: The Supreme Court rules that same-sex marriage rights are constitutional in all 50 states. Meanwhile, the Court also sides with the Obama administration on both the Fair Housing Act and the Affordable Care Act subsidies. Justice Scalia provides the comic relief by adding "jiggery-pokery" to the American lexicon. For those of you who keep track of these things, that's a 102-point triple-word score in Scrabble.
2016: U.S. President Barack Obama, Mexico's Enrique Pena Nieto and Canada's Justin Trudeau—aka the "Three Amigos"—have a joint meeting in Canada to show a united front against the rise of isolationism and anti-immigrant sentiment. But only after they finish the studio sessions for their joint swimsuit calendar.
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Tomorrow: the life and times of President Obama: the Julys through the Decembers.
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